As far back as I can remember my life was filled with abuse. It has taken me many years to heal what was so brutally taken from me as a child, that was my right in understanding who I really was. Most of the adults in my life were critcal and angry, not giving me much to feel hope and love with.Wanting to be the voice for the voiceless I have chosen to speak on the very dark subject of abuse. I believe we can heal from where we feel we were left in to the darkness with no hope. I believe there is healing for anyone no matter what they have been through. In writing my own personal memoir “The Forgotten Child” helped me heal from my shattered soul.
My first memory of abuse was at the age of two, my father took a belt after me after I had stuck a bobby pin inside my brothers ear too far. The intense fear I felt as my father took out all of his frustrations out on my miniscule frame. I can still see his bulging eyes as he proceeded to unleash all his rage on me. What is still so haunting to me after all these years is how unloveable and worthless that incident made me feel. My mother too who was constantly out of control and angry not only unleashed her rage on her four beautiful children, but the words she used to desecrate my self esteem. The words that still haunt me today that she hurled at me on a daily basis is how I was mentally retarded and had the brain the size of a pea, as she made sure to gesticulate exactly how small that really was. The years of abuse had taken its toll on me as well as my siblings. It has taken me years of healing to realize the truth of who I was and am. The brokeness I had grown to view myself was through my parents wounded eyes, not the truth of who I really am.
I had spent many years surviving the abuse both my parents bestowed on me and my siblings. I learned through navigating the darkness of the abuse some very unhealthy behaviors, I got into drugs at a very young age and I tried to commit suicide at the age of 17. After the second attempt of trying to rid myself of the intense pain and ugliness that i felt for myself, I realized I really did not want to die I just wanted all the pain and sadness I had carried so deep to go away. From that moment on I worked really hard to find the love and peace for myself that unfortuntely had not been shown in my life.
I currently speak out about the horrific long term efffects of abuse, but I also want you to know we all have a choice. I chose to reach up and out of the darkness and raise four beautiful children. I was not perfect, for that I learned no one is, but I raised my children with unconditional love and acceptance. It is never easy when ones life is shadowed by abuse, but once we understand there is something much more powerful and spiritual then what we have been shown, it becomes much easier.
